I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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