Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize