So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
