Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
