i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My vagina is officially offended.
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