forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize