Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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