Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
