What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
