dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
