oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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