So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
