dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
BRING THE BAGELS
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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