Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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