So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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