I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
