We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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