last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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