my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
