Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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