I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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