She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize