so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
