Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
