At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
