She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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