You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
