all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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