is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
