I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize