Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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