Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
People in love make me want to vomit
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
