my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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