Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
