I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He passed out mid-signature
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
