I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
