she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
