At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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