Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
worst night to have a conscience
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I intend to get homeless drunk
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
