Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
