all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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