Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
