Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
