I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
