you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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