fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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