these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
