And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
