Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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