happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
