so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize