She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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