Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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