Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
