was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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