I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize