I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
