I faked an abortion last night.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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