My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
