I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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