i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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