did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
