My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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