you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
