He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
