It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
