I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
