you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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