We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
